A question of a different sort

[sestree]

Trust me, on this one I can use any and all opinions but since it's a bit creepy I"ll understand if everyone avoids it.

Mom keeps asking me if 'someone' has put my Dad's obit in the paper in Oklahoma (The Newkirk Paper and the Ponca City News - towns he had lived in prior to moving to Nevada).  I keep telling her no.

~~a little backstory in case you missed it:  when my cousin (his sister's daughter) died very unexpectedly in November, his sister asked me to call him.  Much to my surprise my step mother blurts out that he had died the previous April.  None of his family knew other than her - she had told no one.   pyllgrum   found his obit in the Nevada paper where they lived when he died.~~

OK so that's out of the way (and yes I'm still bitter).  Anyway, obviously his sister has put nothing in the local papers back home, his widow certainly didn't (otherwise we might've found out when it actually happened instead of 6 months and another tragedy later) and of course I haven't.

Do I have an obligation I'm missing?  For the record I'm his only known child.  I mean the man didn't really dis-like me, didn't really like me either.  I was this creature who called him Dad when we spoke.  He *did* have friends and relatives back home - the same relatives I have truth be told.  I've been waiting on his sister to do it (mustn't step on delicate protocol toes) but she hasn't either.  The person who could've advised me on this is the cousin who died in November .....

Thoughts?  Anyone?  Should I?  and if so how the in the hell do you delicately put an obit in that mentions he died in April of 2006?  

Yeah, my life - always a circus, rarely boring ......

Comments

[dorei.livejournal.com]

Don't bother with an obit. Any obligation you may have could be resolved with a phone call. "Word has reached us that my father passed away in April '06."

[sestree.livejournal.com]

Fortunately it's a small town (2500 people or so) so I imagine word already got out about it except for a rare few people. I'm certain it was a topic of conversation at Deb's (cousin) funeral.

Actually the only ones who wouldn't know would be those who moved away and continued to subscribe to the paper.


Thank you :)

[blenderwench.livejournal.com]

Ok - I am definately not Ms. Manners on this to know the proper protocol on this odd situation, but here are my thoughts for what it is worth:

It is obvious that you didn't have close ties with your father - especially if you were not even aware of his death until much later. I would say the obits would be the step-mother's responsibility, since she was the one who made all the arrangements.

But, it does seem like you still have a bit of a guilty concience and feel you need to uphold some sort of "daughter" responsibility. I would say either:

(1) write it off and leave it alone. It doesn't honor or dishonor his memory at this point. Obviously he disappeared from those towns many moons ago or his wife would have thought to list it there.

(2)sent an abbreviated note to the step-wife asking her to do it, and give the newspaper's info.

(3) Just copy the text from the obit used in Nevada - of course delete the funeral arrangements and say "buried in (cemetary), (state)." and if you really really want to go there say "for all inquiries please contact.. and give your step-mother's address.

[sestree.livejournal.com]

I like that last idea. I guess I am feeling a little guilty because he was from that area and actually had only moved back to Nevada in the last couple of years.

For reasons known only to my stepmother she basically *hid* his death and I guess figured if we wanted to know we should've read the Fallon NV paper (like I even know the name of it).

She had my phone number, his sister's phone number, and like I put in a previous post, she could've called anywhere in Newkirk, blurted out that Lester Rouse died, and it would get back to us. It really is a tiny town.

On the other foot ... well ... he has been gone a while and those who don't know do they really need to? The copying the obit she used and maybe putting that in the paper might not be a bad idea.

Thanks :)

[blenderwench.livejournal.com]

evil soap opera thoughts - could there have been a will and she wanted to keep everything for herself?

[madam-macaw.livejournal.com]

That is what I was thinking too. If not, she was just being a bitch.

[sestree.livejournal.com]

Probably ... trust me he didn't have enough to make it worth it for me to quibble nor would I anyway.

I chewed him out in 2000 and mentioned THEN that he needed a will. I doubt most sincerely if he did though.

Then again she could've just felt like it wasn't anyone's business but her own - she can be like that at times.

[madam-macaw.livejournal.com]

No, I don't think you have an obligation to do this at all. Your step-mother should have done that when he passed AND notified all of his relatives. I still think it was seriously shitty what she did. Even if the lines of communciation weren't really open at the time, family is family and you should all have had the chance to grieve.

[sestree.livejournal.com]

That's the truly sucky thing: I actually got along quite well with my stepmother and liked her a great deal.

Note the usage of past tense verbs there.

That's why I put 'reasons known only to her' because there is no logical reason why she would neglect to inform anyone. Even if *big stretch here* she had lost my phone number - she had his sister's name and knew the town she lived in and the info would've gotten to me.

I guess I feel like I"m 'falling down on the job' for lack of a better way of putting it by not doing anything. Yes Strange - I know.....

[madam-macaw.livejournal.com]

There is no need to feel that way. If you want, post something in the paper and be done with it. Hugs hon.

[julia0925.livejournal.com]

My two cents--

You are under no obligation to do anything. If, however, you would like to do something, you certainly may. Your step-mother may be having an extremely hard time dealing with his death, although not informing you (his daughter) really was unacceptable. Miss Manners would not approve.

Belated as they are, condolences. And hugs too.