Tales from a Re-Transplanted Flatlander

Onion Horoscope for Cancer

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45378

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.

Onion Horoscope for Cancer

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43917

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): The stars say the new year is about putting the past behind and moving on with one's life. Unfortunately for you, the court prosecutor, ballistics expert, and team of forensic analysts don't agree.