What has this state done to me?

[sestree]

I have to wonder at the long term impact Maryland has had on my normally sunny pollyanna generous personality. Today I feel like scum. I actually turned down a handicapped person asking for help - when I realized what I had done I went back and offered but still my first reaction was 'what will happen to ME if ....'

Here's what happened: I had just finished filling up my car at the Exxon right off of 198 in Laurel when a van obviously equipped with a wheelchair lift pulls up and the gentleman asks me if I would help his daughter pump his gas so he didn't have to get out of the van. He further explained it takes 15 minutes or more to get his wheelchair out and into it etc etc. I actually told him I wouldn't be comfortable (I shudder when I read these words) even though I could see the wheelchair in back and the lift and the 9 year old daughter in the passenger seat. He was gracious and didn't blame me but asked about a full service station in Laurel. I didn't know any.

Anyway, he pulled up to the pumps and I realized just how big a jackass I was so yes I went and helped.

5 years ago I would've gladly, CHEERFULLY assisted him. Now I cringe when a stranger talks to me in a public place like a gas station.

I am virtually in tears here as I post this ---- this is SOOOO not me. I mean I ffg worked in the medical field with people with disabilities....and I almost turned away from a person needing help.

I think *I* am the one needing help. Geesh. I am dirt.

EDIT:This isn't a slam against Maryland but rather a shocked look at how much a change in address has changed me.

Comments

[selkiesiren.livejournal.com]

::big hugs::

Oh, hon...please don't trash yourself. The reality of this world is that there is *reason* to be fearful. With arrests out there for people even so much as touching a minor childs elbow, God knows that the instinct to protect self has spread to areas where, in past, we would have acted without a second thought.

It isn't Maryland, and it *certainly* isn't you. The "you" in this incident is the person who went back and helped, and that is to be congratulated.

[sestree.livejournal.com]

You're entirely correct -- it is not Maryland necessarily but my reaction to the crime level here I guess. I moved here right after 9/11 and right before the snipers. I never thought I'd be the one who did this. Now I'll just have to be more aware and compromise the urge to protect with the urge to help.